I enjoyed reading Amy Chua’s “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.” I didn’t take her personal narrative as a criticism of the way I parent Thing One and Nala. She described what worked best for her family, not mine. What I liked best was the way the Wall Street Journal article made so many of us really think about parenting, education, and ethnicity. As for understanding why some individuals are more likely to become successful than others, I preferred Malcom Gladwell’s book, “Outliers.” Gladwell and Chua both link performance excellence to hours of practice, and Gladwell calls it the “10,000 Hour Rule.” Perhaps Tiger Moms just ensure those 10,000 hours are accomplished early in their children’s lives and less ferocious parents focus on other priorities.
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Buffalo Bayou Mom 
Hi Carlyn, you might enjoy this article: http://www.chicagotribune.com/health/la-heb-tiger-mother-20110124,0,337942.story
I especially like the comment that intense parental control isn’t the same as learning self-control. There’s a plausible link between the two, but it’s also likely that if self-control is teachable at all then it can be done more humanely with results as good as the Tiger Mom’s.
I read only commentaries on the book, so I cannot comment directly on the book. My ideal parenting style is best described in a scene from the movie “The River” (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088007/) where Mel Gibson as the farmer dad makes his son do his first welding job “unattended” while he – the dad – pretends to nap. He actually keeps an eye on the son through half-open eyes, but the son feels he is solely responsible doing the demanding task.
I always tried to create situations like these since my kids were toddlers (choose your own clothes, I am sorry you’re cold now, did you not take a sweater with you? too bad!) till they were teens (do you really feel comfortable going to that party?). My daughters say that they found this tactic very maturing.
They also said that they liked the fact that I did not have any “silly” rules, but only “functional need based” rules. For example, they liked not having a bed time rule, because they could do a lot of reading in the evenings and they knew (from being burned) that it is no fun to be tired in the morning, unless the book was well worth it (there are always exceptions in life). On the other hand they knew that not doing well in homework would have real consequences – the expectation was that you don’t let the family down. Mommy will not skip her job just to chat with her friends, so you don’t do that to your homework either. As for piano practice, the constant threat was that I would take away the privilege of having classes (no point if you don’t study, are you SURE you want to continue? We could really save some money if you quit, maybe you want to do something else with your time?)
I had also set my boundaries, always with an explanation. You will not do sleep-overs because you don’t sleep well at those and you ruin everyone’s weekend afterwards, and because when you become a teenager this will become an opprortunity for sex and drug abuses, from which I would like to protect you (they used to really blush on this last bit when they were in elementary school, but they still heard it!). I do not want you to travel with family A because I do not know them well and I do not trust them, but you can travel with family B etc..
As far as culture goes, I was not typical of the culture I am coming from. The modern greek urban family keeps a lot of “silly” rules and discourages independence and its consequences. Greek parents are over-protective about the wrong issues and many parents find it inconceivable that their kids will not be like them. (Everyone has a hard time with that last bit, I guess!) But I clearly remember being so happy to get my kids out of Greece while they were toddlers, because I was afraid they would be ruined by the over-protection tendencies of the extended family.
On the other hand, there are traditional aspects of greek culture that did educate my parenting. For example, we greeks tend to admire academics more than sports, and we tend to look for a career-oriented formal education, while the general education is something you are supposed to pursue life-long rather than in college. Both of those influenced my kids choices.
I guess I am lucky that I had to live with kids in two cultures, because I felt that none of them owned me or my kids and I could make a buffet-like collection of choices from both. But I had to rethink every choice at face value. So all the blame is mine to take – but that is the best one can do. Even for the worst choices I made my kids will now award me with the comment “well Mommy, you did what you thought best at the time, it’s alright, we survived, and we still love you!”
I guess I was able to communicate one thing to them, that I do love them unconditionally for themselves, not as my extension (I am glad I did not miss this one, which I think is the only unforgivable mistake to make!) All the rest is negotiable and workable within the constraints of the real world and its difficulties and expectations – and they have not been shielded too much from the real world and the discipline it dictates for survival purposes.
Finally, one last thought about the cultural aspect. I think I am untypically unambitious for an immigrant. To me it is all about making a good, fun, and honest living. You don’t have to impress anybody by getting tenure before thirty. That is not usually the case for most immigrants – they have to have their kids “be somebody”. But that refers to immigrants of previous generations and from different economic and social strata and from smaller, more connected societies. I am well aware that nobody in Athens will give a penny if I am vice president of something or not. The fifteen minutes of fame for my generation are worthless – why should I push my kids for that? I would much rather make them aware of the real skills they need to cope with the global competition and mostly anonymity that their generation will be facing. Just collect a paycheck dear, you don’t need to show the neigbors, there aren’t any! This is generally a liberating attitude and it does affect a lot the style of parenting, I think. We may see more of this as people move around the world, working among shifting cultures and communities. There will be no one left to show off yourself or your kids. It will make parenting more reality based and less excessive, in either direction.